I've never felt better in my life

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company. "Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head. "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?" "Yeah, but" stammered the farmer. "A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes," Replied the farmer.

Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said. "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?"

I'm in a school play!

Mat's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

How would you like to get paid?

On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to report to their commander. The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of 100 dollars per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice.

The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up. "I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr!" replies the man of war. "Excellent," says the commander, that's "70 inches, so here's $7000."

Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched. "Excellent," replies the commander after measuring the marine, "75 inches, so that's $7500."

Thirdly he asks the explosives expert. "I'll have measured the tip of my dick to he end of my balls sahr!" The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where in Christ are your balls soldier?!" The soldier smiles at him and says "Falkland Islands sahr!"

Why I brush three times a day!

Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste. "What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed. "Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."

I am a good student.

One day Little Timmy comes home from school yelling, "Daddy! Daddy! Today at school we had to say our ABC's and I was the only one in my class who knew them all! The teacher said I did really good!" "Well that's great, son," his father replied "I'm very proud of you!"

So the next day when Little Timmy gets home from school he again is very excited "Daddy! Daddy!" Timmy yells "Today at school we had to name all of the colors in class and I got them all right! The teacher said I did very good!" And his father replied "Well that's great, son, I'm very proud of you!"

The next day when Little Timmy came home from school he came in yelling "Daddy! Daddy! Today in school after gym class, we were in the shower and I had the biggest penis! I was very happy!" "Well son," his father replied "that's because YOU'RE 18!"

Stranded in the desert.

A man was stranded in the desert for ten years. One day, a woman in a wetsuit walked up to this man and said, "Would you like a cigar ?" The man said, "Lady, I ain't smoked in ten years."

So, the woman unzipped the left arm of her wetsuit, and pulled out a cigar. Then, she said, "Would you like a drink ?" The man said, "Lady, I ain't drank in ten years."

So, she unzipped the right arm of her wetsuit, and pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels. Last, she unzipped the front of her wetsuit and said, "Would you like to play around ?" The man said with astonishment... "You mean to tell me that you got a golf set in there, too?!?!"

Here's an extra five!

A guy's walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a hooker. He says, "How much?" She says "Twenty bucks." He says, "All right." They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, he runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty-five dollars. She says, "What's the extra five?" He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."

Lets have a baby!

Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible. So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs. Nine months later, the two fags are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs. "Wow," one of the gay men says, "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here." A nurse who happens to be walking by says, "Now he's quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his ass."

It is always better with a partner.

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?" The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down." His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad." The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."

Booty call anyone???

This pre-booty call agreement (hereafter referred to as the Agreement) is entered into on the _____day of __________, 2008, by_______________________, between ____________and______________.


THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:

1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.

2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.

3. No calls before 9 PM - we do not have shit to talk about.

4. None of that lovemaking shit - only sex allowed.

5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so do not ask.

6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the backup, unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.

7. All gifts accepted - money is always good.

8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged.

9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers - it is really none of your damn business.

10. No calling each other friends with privileges we are not friends, just sex buddies.

11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - do not be offended.

12. No extra clothing - I do not want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.

13. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so get your ass up, get dressed and go the
fuck home.

14. Do not be offended if I do not ask if you enjoyed it - I really do not care.

15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.

16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: My roommates
girlfriend/boyfriend.

17. Doggystyle is the preferred position - the reason is the less eye contact the better.

19. No condoms, no fucking. Carry your ass home.

20. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.

21. No phone use, please - I do not want anyone calling back looking for your ass.


* EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS:

The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically
become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. In other words, you will be BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.


Participating Party

Signature_______________________________________
Date: ________________

Participating Party

Signature_______________________________________
Date: ________________

A shitty situation!

A man is at the dentist's for a check-up. As the dentist leans over, he asks, "Well... So you had oral sex this morning?" "How did you know?" asks the man, embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist's perception.

"Was it the smell on my breath?" "No" says the dentist.

"Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my teeth?" asks the man. "No" says the dentist.

"Well, what then? How did you know?" asks the man, losing patience. The dentist says "There's a little bit of shit on the end of your nose."

Wanna have sex with my wife?

Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.

Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug. After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!

How LOW can you get!

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed. The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder" Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.

The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery" Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says "My name is Luke, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for" The group leader says "Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did."

"Ok then. I'm in for fucking dogs." Everyone is disgusted! They all shout "What??!! How LOW can you get!" "Well...I did manage to do a dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little", Luke replies.

Maria's Wedding Night!

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."



What's your favorite curse word?



How old were you when you lost your virginity?

Which continent are you?

Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest. After 56, she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn.

Don't mess with me!!!

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"

Just one night out please?

This couple has been married only two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, can't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. "Honey," he says to his new bride, "I'll be right back..." "Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asks the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." "You want a beer, My Love?" She opens the refrigerator door shows him 25 different brands of beer from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, including six places he's never even heard of.

The husband is nonplussed, and all he can think to say is, "Yes, Honey Pie, but the bar you know...the frozen glass..." He hasn't finished the sentence before wifey interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She hands him a mug out of the freezer that is so cold that it burns his fingers "Yes, Tootsie Roll," hubby says a bit desperately, "but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Pookie Pooh?" She opens the oven and removes 15 different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But, Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Here...DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?!!"

What's your fantasy?

Ask any man what a woman's ultimate fantasy is and they will tell you, to have two men at once. According to a recent social logical study this is true, however most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking, and the other is cleaning.

You could learn a lot from him.

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that has the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign states: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign states: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign says: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

You charge how much!??

A Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left..

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you."

(Some things in life are certain: taxes, death and being screwed by an attorney.)

In the groove!

A hippie walks into a Bar and Grill. The waiter comes up to him and asks him if he wants anything. So the Hippie says 'Yeah a cheeseburger. Not too well done, not too rare, but right in the groove.' So the waiter brings his burger and asks if he wants anything to drink. He says 'A cup of tea. Not too hot, not too cold, but right in the Groove.' The waiter's kinda getting pissed now, but he brings the tea and kinda slams it on the table.

A little while later the waiter comes back and asks the Hippie if he wants any dessert. He says 'Yeah some ice cream. Not too chocolate, not too vanilla, but right in the Groove.' So the waiter says 'Why don't you kiss my ass. Not the right cheek, not the left cheek, but right in the Groove!'

Poor grandpa!

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had died, Jenny went straight to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her grandma explained, not holding back anything of course, "He had a heart attack during sex, Sunday morning!" Horrified, Jenny suggested that screwing at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble! "Oh no," her grandma replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells!" "In with the dings, out with the dongs!" She paused to wipe away a tear, "If it wasn't for that damn Ice Cream Truck, he'd still be alive!!!"

Seems like forever since I last had sex.

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr.Chang then said, "OK,now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

The Three Little Pigs

One day a first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Who the hell is Mary Lou?

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on. "The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

" What was that for?" he complained. "Your dog called last night."

Did you see what I just saw?

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!" "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

I am very stressed right now.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied.

How well do you know your ABCs?

One day Johnny was sitting in class and had to go to the bathroom so he raised his hand to ask the teachers permission. The teacher told Johnny if he could say the alphabet he could go to the bathroom. Johnny stumbled through it and got it all wrong and had to hold it. So Johnny studied and studied and felt as though he knew the alphabet perfectly. The next day when Johnny had to use the bathroom he rose his hand to ask the teacher could he go. The teacher said if you can say the alphabet I'll let you go. So Johnny started to say the alphabet ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ. The teacher then asked Johnny well where's the P, and Johnny responded it's running down my leg.








Two homosexual guys were walking down the road when one looked at the other and said "You see that guy across the road?" "Wow, he's cute!!!" the other said. "Well, I had sex with that guy a couple of years back." "No shit???" the other asked. "Not much..." replied the first.

99 Words for boobs!

In reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky you bitch." The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky you slut." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!" Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard... "

That's gotta hurt!

There were 3 gay men and their partners all died at around the same time. On their way to the morgue, the guy who worked there asked them where they want to spread their partners ashes. The first gay guy says, "I want to spread his ashes over the ocean because he loved to swim!" The second gay guy says, "I want to spread his ashes on a mountain because he loved to climb." And then the third gay guy says, "I want to spread him all over my chili, and the guy who worked at the morgue asked, "WHY?" and he said," So he can tear my ass up one more time."

Where do babies come from?

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.

The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" He said that she had.

With a clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."