What do you love the most?

There were three guys that won a contest. They would get to spend a year in a room with anything they chose. The first guy loves to have sex. So they put him in a room for a year with over 200 girls to have sex with for a year. The second guy loved to get drunk. So they put him in a room with every beer there ever was to drink for a year. The third guy loved to smoke. So they put him in a room with every kind of cigarette there was to smoke. Two hours later they hear the guy that loved to smoke banging on the door but they say fuck him, he's in there for a year.

A year later they let them out. They first guy came out and he could barely walk, after how many times he had sex. The second guy came out and couldn't walk because he was so drunk. The third guy came out crying. They asked him why he was banging on the door and why he was crying. He said, " I forgot my lighter!"

What gift should I give my wife?

Did you hear about the guy who was talking to his buddy and said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled." So the guy did just that.

The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did". "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

It sucks to be him!

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"

What'd you do when you were left alone as a kid?

A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"

Wanna have a good time?

This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" as she looked him up and down seductively. "Sure," he says and they are off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

Can someone help me into the ring please?

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna wank?" she asked. "You bet," came the excited reply. "O.K.," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."

How many kids do you have?

A man was wandering around a fairground and happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children." "That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!"

Is that for sale?

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then I suggest you quit advertising it."

Why I always carry plenty of cash.

A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he falls through the doorway, his wife snaps at him, "What's the big idea coming home half drunk?" The man replies, "I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money."

How faithful are you?

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise and later question each one on the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported. The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. "How so?" the encouraged man asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

I'd like to order french fries, a burger and a milkshake.

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his younger cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen." the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said, "all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer'."

A day out hunting.

A guy went out hunting one day and had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it.

As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him." The guy says "Is your brother a doctor?" "No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

I don't think that is what he meant.

A man was driving down a quiet country road when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

I'm down to twice a week now.

There's a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink... One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp... Then he turned to Bob and said, "Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I can't believe it"... At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out all together"

How to Get a Hottie Girlfriend

1. You must shower every day, wear deodorant and cologne (not too much, or you`ll just scare the hotties away).
2. Hotties always feel special, because they were always treated differently just because they were hot. Lots of guys always approach them, but most of the times, they are all the same. You must be different!
3. Always tease. Tease whenever you get the opportunity. Never answer their questions directly, only answer if your answer to their question is no. And make sure she knows you're just kidding around, because if you say something mean, and you are just kidding, she might take it as you really meant it. So kind of develop a way to make sure she knows you are kidding. Also, If she says, for example, "let`s move on those seats over there," you say "let's move on the chairs on the other side, they are much better" or something like this.
4. End a conversation first - always. This way you'll show you aren't needy or desperate. Just say to her "It was nice talking to you, but I'm kinda busy right now, so we'll continue our chat another day."
5. Flatter. Girls love when you flatter them! Say things like "I know I'm just a guy, but that shirt you're wearing is great." But don't call her on the phone too much. It is just annoying.
6. Be a good listener.
7. Chivalry is very important. Every time you get the opportunity, open doors for girls, pull back their seats or carry their books.
8. Remember the 3-seconds rule. Whenever talking to a chick, try not to have a talk-break more than 3 seconds.
9. Don`t forget, teasing is very important. Make fun of her, but don`t be rude.
10. Don't act as though you are in love with yourself! For girls, that is a major turnoff!
11. Do not brag too much. You should let her know that you are successful at what you do while not inflating your head and ego; this is a giant turn off...unless your are bragging about your car and you really do have a nice car. Hottie Girlfriends like nice cars.
12. Be kind and join in with her social events, even when you really don't want to. Don't draw attention to the fact that you are bored or bothered by the social setting; just do it!

Tips

• Smile. Not the creepy stalker smile, the warm, "I'm glad you're here" smile. Smiling won't hurt you.
• Expect competition from other guys, but if you look good (and have confidence) you will have a good chance.
• Be really nice to her, and show her that you care about her and that she's special.
• Flirt with only one Hottie at a time. Like most girls, Hotties will talk to one another. Flirting with more than one will turn those Hottie's who find out off.

Warnings

• When you`re teasing a girl, don`t be rude.
• It can be difficult to date a "hottie." They are often selfish and full of themselves. If you have tried pursuing hotties and failed, consider pursuing "normal" girls instead. While they may not be as attractive, they have the other qualities necessary to make a relationship work.
• Girls are usually really observant, so they'll notice you going the extra mile - opening the door for her, waiting for her to walk together, handing her a pencil sharpener. Be willing to go the extra mile for her. Hottie or not, she'll most likely notice.

How do you know if you've had a good night out?

Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey. He asks, "Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a good night out?"

The first replies, "I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night."

The second one replies, "I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get into bed, and if I tingle all over, I know it was a good night."

The third one turns around and says, "If I get home, rip off me knickers, throw them against the wall, and they stick, then I know it was a good night!"

You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

How to Defeat a MySpace Addiction

Do you find yourself checking MySpace several dozen times a day? Do you neglect the other important things in life? How many bulletins did you post in the last hour? Have you gone hours without blinking or were fifteen minutes late for work because you couldn't stop refreshing your page? Is MySpace open in another window right now? If so, then you may have a problem. Here's how to wean yourself off of MySpace so that you can resume living offline...

1. Admit you have a problem. This may be hard, but accepting that MySpace has taken over your life is an important step into overcoming your addiction. If you simply can't resist the urge to check your home page, then it's clear that MySpace is controlling you and not the other way around.
2. Stop communicating with people through MySpace and correspond with only those you know, as fellow addicts only contribute to your problem. If you don't want to cut them off completely, consider just taking the friendships that you value off of MySpace. Get their phone numbers, email addresses, AIM screen names, ICQ numbers, or any other information that may be a way of contacting them outside of MySpace. (See Tips.)
3. Print out your page. You've probably personalized it and tweaked it to reflect your personality. In a way, it's a work of art that you created. You don't want it to be lost forever, so save a copy in print. Having a hard copy will make it easier to let go of your profile online.
4. Start deleting all of the images, comment boxes, background settings, songs, videos, and anything else you put on the page that didn't come with it. Make it into a plain MySpace profile, like it was when you started it. End all blog subscriptions that you have signed up for. Turn off all email notifications.
5. Post several bulletins announcing that you will be no longer available on MySpace. Delete your main pictures, blog, comments, friends, etc. If your profile is set to private, set it back to normal. Reset the information about yourself.
6. Change the headline to "No Longer Available" or some other indicator that you no longer use MySpace. Stop using MySpace. Get an e-mail filter and set it to block MySpace, Facebook, or any other similar sites.
7. Find other creative activities to do. Try to find activities that both amuse you in the short-term and benefit you in the long-term. MySpace only provides a short-term pleasure (usually). Keep in contact with your friends through phone, e-mail, or messenger! Not talking to them may make you want to return to MySpace. After waiting a good month and re-establishing your life, go back and delete your MySpace. It shouldn't, at this point, rip your heart out to do so. Never go back to MySpace, as it will possibly trigger a relapse into the addiction again.
8. Take a cold shower. And find a relaxing thing to do, eg. take a nap
9. Return to your wonderful life of impelling arcane and affinity.

Tips

• People who hardly know you may not want to give you personal information and may feel uncomfortable interacting with you outside of MySpace.
• Find other activities to do with your time. Learn to program, write a book, etc.
• If MySpace is your homepage, change it to another informational homepage such as Google, wikiHow, Yahoo, etc.
• If your real-life friends and family members use MySpace, inform them that you're trying to stay away from it, and ask that they don't sign on when you're around.
• It may be really hard to keep in touch with some people, especially if they are MySpace addicts. If you want to talk to them outside of MySpace, but they don't sign onto AIM or you feel awkward calling them, you may want to try weaning them off MySpace as well. Remember, real friends don't let friends be MySpace addicts.
• If you're like most people, MySpace will lose its appeal after a few weeks of steady or perhaps heavy use. Eventually the grandness will fade away and you will get sick of playing the waiting game for your friends to respond to your over-simplistic comments or messages. If you're like me, nothing beats simply picking up the phone and calling your friends to see how they're doing. Eventually, not only will you have no interests in signing on to MySpace, you will have no need to.
• Change your password by closing your eyes and randomly typing. This may require you to copy and paste to confirm your new password. Just be diligent in not peeking or writing this down.
• Think about all the time you wasted on MySpace and how it could have been spent wisely elsewhere.
• One alternative method is to use a less addictive social networking site, such as xanga or livejournal, and posting there, but not actively seeking out friends.

Warnings

• MySpace addictions are serious matters and should not be taken lightly. If you or someone you know is addicted to MySpace (symptoms listed above in introduction), please help them or get them the help they need immediately.
• MySpace is now a site frequented by predators of a variety of types. It is strongly suggested that anyone associated with the site, either actively or not, to do everything possible to protect themselves from the constant trolling of those who would seek to take advantage of the site's weaknesses and faults (keep in mind, there are predators everywhere, the ones on MySpace are just brought to everyone's attention by the media because it's such a high profile site).
• If you still think you don't have a problem... yet you find yourself reposting this page or this link in a MySpace bulletin, blog, or in your profile itself... THINK AGAIN! You are most definitely a MySpace addict.

What type of orgasm have you had?

Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms

What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."

"Relax, honey," her husband Roger reassured her. "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"

Men's Mastercard Commercial

Men's Mastercard Commercial

Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks :$23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00
Being able to send her on her way and never have to hear her complain:

***PRICELESS****

How I lost my virginity!

A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting college. "Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend." "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."

Where do baby's come from?

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?



A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, who turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching so he her asks what she'd like to do. She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone." So she plays it while he screws her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy." The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?"

Why didn't I think of that?

A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?" The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!" They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?" "Yes, both of them!"

Surprise, Surprise!

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to undress and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. "My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot." "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."

Mmm... milk!

Old Mendel Rugelbaum was very old and suffering from a rare disease and could drink only human milk. "How can I get human milk?" Mendel asked the doctor. "Well, Ruby Finkelstein's just had a baby, maybe she'll help."

So every day Mendel went to Ruby's house for his daily feed. Ruby was a dark-eyed, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts.

One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him, " Tell me Mr. Rugelbaum, do you like it?" "Mmmm, wonderful," he sighed. "is there....," she hesitated, her lips parted, eyes aglow, "is there anything else you'd like?" "As a matter of fact there is," murmured Mendel. "What?" Ruby asked breathlessly. Mendel licked his lips. "Maybe a little biscuit?"

Can anyone help me catch a sheep?

A tourist arrived in Australia, rented a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "For fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep".

Poor deluded Bill!

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!" "What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired. "Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, `My old man's home! My old man's home!'"

Did a bird just poop on you?

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a BAD case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."







Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"